My senior’s graduation over, out-of-town family packed up and returned home, photo video for the soccer team done, I was at the end of myself.
Some children you cheer over the finish line, some you drag – both fighting for independence in their own ways. 3 down 2 to go.
I wandered through the house retrieving knitting projects set aside mid-winter, stuffing them in an overnight bag with clothes for the weekend, my pillows, my camera and computer. . . and I left. . .
Needing to empty myself of the stress, to recalibrate, to find within myself the fire and desire to continue this mothering journey with zest, joy, fire, energy and vision.
I drove 4 hours to my aunt’s house where she met me at the gate, and we just wrapped each other in a big hug – we hadn’t seen each other since December.
We sat on her porch
where we drank coffee in the morning
where I walked Zoe, her fluffy bundle 2 miles each morning in the park across the street
where we lunched
and watched robins and listened to cardinal calls in what seemed like a sanctuary in the middle of what was long ago small town America.
where I pulled out one of those knitting projects, ¾ of the way complete, saw a mistake and a way to make it better, because boxy vests don’t wear well on apple-shaped people – and I pulled out the stitches to begin anew
As I pulled out 15 inches of stitches, Aunt Joyce, she rolled the evidence of my mistakes into a colorful yarn ball.
This getaway was like a sieve, allowing the unwanted inside material to fall through slots big enough to let the bad out – small enough to keep the good in, separating the dross from the gold, the wheat from the chaff.
We hunted through nurseries on busy intersections and dirt roads, found yellow and blue baptisia. We dug some holes and planted new, dug up some old, yellow evening primroses – enough to take home for one or two abundant spots.
Bought angel stars from our favorite bakery
smelled perfume in a shop
And we sat
just sat together
The morning before I left, we visited the grave yard, where grandmother and grandfather are buried, and her husband – and the ladies who played bridge weekly with my grandmother – and remembered the year it snowed on Memorial Day at Long Run Park where we were picnicing for Grandmother’s birthday – that was about 46 years go, maybe 47 – when my cousin and I had been whisked into the back of somebody’s car, given a plate of fried chicken, green beans and bread and told to hurry and eat – while the aunts, uncles and cousins and siblings had to face the surprising blizzard – my cousin and I sat carefully guarded from the harsh elements.
Another aunt invited us by; she’d been working in her garden, thinning out perennials – and had some for me.
I tried to say thank you, but she just waved me away, “If you say thank you for plants given, they won’t survive.”
Aunt Joyce mused as I pulled out of her drive about how my car looked like a flower shop.
Not rushed, or should I say, not letting the chaos rush me – I took time for hugs. On the way through the county where my grandmother came from, I stopped by to give another sweet aunt a hug.
In the quiet, the spending time, the walking, the coffee, the planting – I looked for at first Shaddai, the Mighty One of Jacob – I needed some quality time with Him.
And He was there, Jehovah Shamma – just as He was there in the low, dark part of the challenges, in the emotional cyclone that can sometimes by part of raising boys to men – Jehovah Shamma – He was there in my drive, in the walking – everywhere I turned, I looked and He was there – there with me – just waiting for me to step out of the cyclone and find Him under the walking trees, in the night breeze coming through the window, as I drank coffee in the morning, in the steps of the robin.
I went to Jehovah-Raah, asking Him to not just be The Lord My Shepherd, but to be the The Lord My Shepherd to my new graduate.
I found Jehovah Rapha, the Lord that Heals physically, emotionally and spiritually – and He breathed His Holy Spirit into this spent soul
Breathing new life
Re-calibrated
For the next part of this journey
Jehovah Jireh, He reminded me that He will provide, not just the outside stuff needed for growing a family, but the inside stuff I need – like the manna He provided for the Israelites – that He gave them more than enough everyday – His storehouse is open for me – already equipped for everything I need for the next 6 years of this journey – and the journey after that. I didn’t just ask for me, though, I asked for sweet friends who need His provision, too – because I am not alone with my struggles. By my own hurting, I understand better the hurting of others, the need for others to reach with me in prayer – and I want to reach for them, too – reach for Jehovah Jireh for them, too – no one likes to battle alone, or retreat from battle to regain strength alone, either – that’s why armies are not made of one – we need to battle on together, helping each other with things like lunches, sitting together, praying for each other.
And He reminds me that He is Jehovah-Shalom, He is my peace, my word this year– to live in it, immerse in it – breathe it in and out – until it is no longer a this-year word but an everyday, every minute word.
I came home with peace – a Shalom-kind of peace – with a Holy Spirit fire kindling my life zest, energy, and joy for this new journey stage.
I came home to these 2 boys still in the nest, a husband I love with all my heart, like a warrior flying the banner of my Lord high, the banner of my Lord Jehovah Nissi – a daughter of the King ready to charge into battle once again.
I am so glad I live under His banner.
(Still Counting His gifts with Ann – in the above are 1019 – 1034)
Thanks for your sharing. I must admit to being exhausted and a little disheartened after a year of fighting and then reconciling with my son, and then watching him turn down a full scholarship to a wonderful Christian college and drop out of college all together so he can follow his girlfriend. It is tough to be a parent and let them make their own choices and trust God will redeem those choices as they grow in Him. And then to look at my 8 year old and feel like I have to start all over again, it is exhausting. So glad you got away to re-calibrate and get excited again for parenting. I have a few more things on my plate for the summer but am hoping to do the same before school starts in the fall. As always, you make me feel encouraged and hopeful. Thanks.
Oh, friend. This precious time you describe here worked like a sieve for me too…I could feel the stress drain away as I joined you. We need these times so, do we not? You are reminding me that I am overdue. The end of the school year is such a whirlwind–and…graduation! Oh, my. We are still working our way there. Hugs to you as you love your boys.
This was such a sweet post. I enjoyed reading it. I especially appreciated what you shared about time with your aunts. You are so blessed to get to visit with them. My aunts have been some of the most important women in my life, especially my Aunt Mae, my grandma’s older sister. They are so special.
Best wishes to you as you journey toward graduation with your other two children and much peace for the time ahead. Blessings to you and yours.
I am so glad you stopped by my blog, so I could find yours. I cried as I read your words. Would you believe I have an Aunt Joyce who sounds a lot like yours? I could so relate to much of what you said. May the dear Lord bless you in a special way as you continue this amazing, wonderful journey of raising sons! God blessed my husband and me with a precious, sweet son of our own after 12 1/2 years of infertility. God still opens barren wombs, and He still answers prayer. Praise His name!
Such a beautiful post!!!
I am so looking forward to a short retreat that I’m taking next week. I hope it is as peaceful, refueling and sweet as yours was. I may not be visiting loved ones, but I am visiting my first Love–Jesus! I’ll give Him my undivided attention the entire time and it will be wonderful! You’ve got me all excited thinking about it now! Thanks so much for giving us a peek into your time of refueling. It sounds like it was perfect and I’m so glad you’re back with greater passion and energy to serve and pour out more of your heart here and everywhere!
I enjoyed reading about your recalibration. Understand the need to retreat to energize, and the reminder of who God is for us, all the time.
Cheers,
Leah
Okay, my sweet friend…which bakery sells the angle stars? So glad you were revitalized with sweet aunt love and rest.
Phlens Bakery down across from Trinity High School – their icing is the best, too – and their raspberry tea cookies – and their peppermint icing – and, well, just anything else they have:)
Love, love, love them! Haven’t been there in years. Gotta go again! You made me drool! Thanks! 😉
I love the thought of returning home from a needed getaway “like a warrior flying the banner of my Lord high.” Isn’t that what a good time away does for us? It replenishes us, makes us ready to face the good fight once again. I’m visiting from the Soli Deo Gloria link-up. Thanks for sharing!
This is lovely. I need to give my aunt a call… 🙂
It is so wonderful to “get away” and share time with an aunt or friend who understands. Then to return home refreshed and with all the awesome names of God as a banner over you. His banner over us is LOVE. Thank you for sharing at “Tell Me a Story.”
Special! I wonder about it, that you write about Jehovah Jireh. I was seeking for it and asked about it on another blog. Now I read about it unsuspectingly on your blog. Thank you.
What a beautiful way to refresh. We all need an aunt to have coffee with on her porch.
Fondly,
Glenda
Oh, I know it is hard at times to get up and carry on our mothering with zest and zeal!! With both mine at university, I suddenly have a very different role to play in their lives! The days when I mothered them have changed to a deeper relationship of being their friend whom they trust to discuss everything in life with, knowing that I always pray for them!
Grace to you on your mothering journey.
Mia
I want to be that aunt. Love, love, love this story. How precious that time must have been to you! So glad you took it.
This is so good:
“Not rushed, or should I say, not letting the chaos rush me – I took time for hugs.”
I want to do that more, too.
What a beautiful post. I felt like I was sharing the experience with you. I’m so glad I found this blog hop for Playdates and followed your link. May God bless you. Kim
i just love how you know our Father’s names.
a beautiful weaving of Presence through a life of dailies.
visiting via imperfect prose today.
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