I’m Challenging each of you to a Love Dare – Last week I wrote about the blessing found in choosing to love my in-laws. I’ve noticed that every time I write about in-law relationships – it gets awfully quiet. I’m getting ready to do a couple of articles on how when we honor and reach out to our husband’s family how that allows him to grow into the man he was designed to be. My love dare? Dare to love like you were born to them – like they are your favorites, love like you’d love your children on a bad attitude day. Just in case you missed the hard part of loving an in-law and turning the hard into blessing. I’m writing this to create awareness about the importance of our husband’s position in his family.
“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;
you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep”(Psalm 127: 3-5)
Over 3o years ago, God gave me a priceless wedding present – my husband’s family. This gift – if I chose accept it, embrace it – had the ability to enrich my marriage, my motherhood, my life in ways that at 21 I possessed neither the maturity, life experience, heart-size, or selfless-ness to fully value.
Beside a dirt tennis court and picnic tables – that’s where I first met a good portion of my husband’s family when we were dating. Coming from a matriarchal family (due to deaths and divorce), it was a daunting first meeting – not his mother and father, not his sister and brother-in-law – no – it was the future nephews – all 4 from 1 to 81/2.
I knew nothing about boys: boy jokes, boy antics – boys growing, uninhibited, undaunted in a consistent out-pouring of unconditional love.
My husband loved them – and so I determined I would, too. True Love – or rather, unconditional love does that.
I think one of the great misconceptions of in-law-relationships is that a good in-law relationship won’t be hard or uncomfortable: hurt shouldn’t ever exist.
Why would we expect no relationship bruising from our spouse’s family if it occurs in the family that raised us (remember the growing-into-independence years)? Shouldn’t the same grace and forgiveness, the working through tough moments that leave us scratched, bruised and worn – working through them to forgiveness – shouldn’t that same grace and forgiveness be extended to the new members of this new family.
It’s not just working through challenges in building relationship with this new family, it’s learning to appreciate and value the differences. Just as parents and teens stretch to appreciate and value the differences in each other, so will spouses and in-laws stretch to appreciate each other.
If you accept the marriage gift – God creates something amazing and beautiful. Yes- you and your husband are 2 who become one. Yes, you both leave your family and cleave to each other – but, remember how God works in an Opposite Day Paradigm? You and your spouse are a single family unit that flourishes best when that single unite fits with others to create a whole family – whole, as in complete – yet ever-expanding.
A heart grows by loving those God gives us. He gave us our birth, or in some instances, an adopted family, our spouse and children – and our spouse’s family, our brother and sister-in-laws. Love is a choice. When we chose to love those God gave us, our hearts grow, eventually uninhibited, undaunted and unconditional.
When this small-town city girl married country boy – we each brought different ways of thinking and doing things into both our families. I don’t doubt my husband’s family shook their head in exasperation but they scooted, stretched and made room for me – just as I stretched an scooted to make room for them.
Some people say, “You don’t know my in-laws. . . . my mother-in-law wants nothing to do with me . . . .they make choices I don’t agree with. . . . “
Nobody ever said love was easy. It’s a choice. It’s rolled together with Faith and Hope. It’s not giving up.
In the story of the Talents, the master gave his servants, 5, 2 and 1 talents according to their abilities. The servants with the 5 and 2 talents worked with what the master had given them, who said, “You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matthew 25:21).
Shaddai gave you and me our first family – the family that raised us. Then, through marriage He gave expanded our family – to include not only our children but our husband’s family.
How can we go out and save the world if we cannot love what He has given us? How can we maintain the endurance to love and save both the easy and hard in our neighborhoods, towns, country and world if we don’t possess the endurance to not give up on those He gave us through birth/adoption and marriage?
“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying?;And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish” (Matt 18:14)
My family – all of them – will probably be the first to tell you I don’t always love well or gracefully. I don’t always have the right words – or even the right dishes for a family event – those 4 boys all grown up now won’t let me forget the stuffed-eggplant I brought to a cook-out. However, I like to think I don’t give up reaching.
This week, I’m at the beach with my husband’s family. Those 4 boys that scared me to death? Some of them have children my boy’s age. There’s 34 of us – from Nanny down to the newest, Maddie. Nanny’s here. My husband’s sister, 7 grandsons from 39 to 13, 7 great-grandchildren, in-laws with daughter-in-laws.
I fell in love with my husband – and then I chose to fall in love with his family. Somewhere between 31 years ago and today – that choice became something real and deep. God’s wedding gift has enriched me beyond measure – all because I never gave up!
It’s not just a southern thing; It’s a Christian, too. A Christian doesn’t try to hide their crazy family members – we take them to the beach, let them crazy run-around and show them off because something special happens when we’re around them. In this choosing-to-love, Christian-kind-of-thing, when we do it God’s way, we not only do we start seeing others how God sees them but maybe we just start loving Gods-kind-of-way.
I love this! My in-laws are such a gift and I love and respect them so much!
My in-laws have been a beautiful gift, too. So glad I reached out and opened that gift! Thank you for coming by – and celebrating this gift with me!
What a beautiful tribute to your husband’s family, Maryleigh! I can say that my in-laws are amazing people. My husband is an only child with very few extended relations alive or near us, but I’ve come to love his parents like they were my own. Truthfully, I’ve grown closer to both of them than I did when my parents were alive. They’ve filled that gap in my heart beautifully. I also can’t go without mentioning one more tiny detail that we have in common: I knew you were a mom of boys (like me) but didn’t know you were a mom with very few male relationships to draw from. My dad was around when I was young, but not engaged–always working. And my brother is 14 years older and I really never got to know him very well. So I felt a little out of my comfort zone when God blessed me with three sons. Funny how that isn’t a handicap for me now! And I bet it’s not for you either, my friend. Hugs to you, sweet sister!
Welcome to the Moms-with-3-Sons+ Club! I love being a mom of sons. It has also opened my heart more to relationship with my husband’s family. Some of the greatest lessons I learned from my husband’s family is how to let things go, not to show any expression on your face when a little one falls (LOL), and how to love unconditional! Loving more never leaves less love, does it! Hugs back at you, Beth!
Beautiful!
Thank you, Julia – for the visiting and the kind words. Wishing you blessing this week!
~Maryleigh
Oh, this was super good. Yes, love is a choice. Love how you related this to in-laws. Well done! Reading again because I really, really like this. I’ve been writing a lot about love lately so I’m super glad I didn’t miss this. Blessings.
Beth, wishing you blessing and joy in your writing season. It is joy, isn’t it – when He gives us the words and they come! I’m so glad you came by and left encouragement! I’m looking forward to reading what you’ve written!
~Maryleigh
What a beautiful tribute to family. And that umbrella city is a hoot!
I miss my inlaws. They’ve been gone now for years.
The umbrella city was a blast! I’m getting ready to do a series about the importance of a husband’s heritage. When you say you miss you in-laws, it makes me think of what it is you miss – because their heritage is in that – probably being passed down and passed around in your community through you and your husband! Wishing you blessing this week, Sandra! Thank you for stopping by!
Wow–what a challenging and convicting post. I’ve had a difficult road with my in-laws…the language barrier and cultural and religious differences between us should have been a pretty clear sign that it wouldn’t be easy, but I do have hope for the future if I continue to treat them with kindness and respect and not take offense easily. It doesn’t come naturally, but that’s doesn’t mean I can’t make the choice every day!
I think that is the key – continue treating with kindness, respect – and not taking offense. My MIL and I are so different but we’ve never stopped reaching or forgiving. It has built a relationship worth having! I love the faith and hope you have expressed in this relationship building! I am so glad you stopped by and shared your story!
~Maryleigh
I look forward to reading more in this series, Maryleigh. I have a great relationship with my in-laws, but I’ve seen this be a hot-button issue between many couples. I’m so glad you are challenging us in this way, my friend! Hugs to you!
Yes, Beth – it is a hot-button issue – and one that culturally I think needs to be taken out of the closet. Or like the proverbial elephant in the room – it needs addressing – but with great charity and compassion. Thank you, friend, for your encouragement!
~Maryleigh
this was my favorite read for the day so shared it on my fb wall. I think every new bride and husband should get this along with their marriage certificate. Great post.
Thank you, Betty! Thank you for sharing it – and cheering me on with it. I’ve done a few called “The Mother-in-Law Chronicles” – and I’m getting ready to do a series on the importance of a husband’s heritage in marriage.
This was a precious post! I love the way you expressed that you fell in love with your husband, then chose to love his family. It certainly alleviates a lot of stress and bad feelings when we choose to love, instead of go into it with the pre-conceived notion that it will be difficult. So happy you are all able to be at the beach together, and I am sure those 4 boys love you dearly in spite of the stuffed eggplant!! LOL! Enjoy every moment, and may God bless your time together. 🙂 Much love to you.
Choosing love is always the right choice – and it changes everything! I keep telling the boys (now men) that I’m going to make them eggplant parmesan to help the eggplant redeem its reputation! LOL – Thank you so much for coming by. The message of this post means so much to me! Wishing you much love back!
Beautiful post! 🙂
Thank you, Mel!