I am in smack in the middle of a communication refinement class. Some people get Words of the Year – the Father – He enrolls me in a class that usually lasts about a year. This last one started in the summertime.
I’m a blog writer – writing about the faith, love and politics of raising boys to men – so how come I need a communication class? Because while I can think out what I want to say in advance – even for a conversation, especially for classrooms – real-time in the daily doesn’t allow you to delete, rewrite the words or re-do tone. It doesn’t allow you to erase emotions from previous encounters that splash into the rest of the day. Writing allows going back and actually editing for hindsight. In-the-moment living does not.
I watched a movie about Louis Pasteur the other night – I cried with his victory– but indignation filled me during plot development: Specialists believed that if they didn’t know it, it just couldn’t be. 3 out of 10 women died of childbed fever, Pasteur asserted, because physicians didn’t wash hands or sterilize tools. Leading physicians of government agencies scoffed.
However, one by one, Pasteur won over these great physicians – because un-refutable evidence came alongside their calling. Pride was set aside – yes – not only because facts proved they were wrong – but also because this field was their calling – and to refuse this truth was diminish the nobleness of their life work.
Communication is my specialty field, especially written communication. I am still trying to find a cure for foot-in-mouth disease. I still need an editor for careless mistakes. I have the English Master’s and journalism degree. I guess you could say I am a field specialist.
In the process of becoming a field specialist – I had 5 sons – with 5 different love languages and 5 different spiritual gifts. I teamed up with Don and Katie Fortune’s training program and became certified in Discovering Your God-Given Gifts – for children, adults and teens. The books not only changed how I viewed myself, it changed how I saw my children. While the other books explained the strengths and weaknesses of each gift, Discover Your Spouse’s Gift contained detailed insight into how each gift communicated and how each gift viewed communication. It enabled me to feel not only more comfortable about myself but to better understand communication perceptions and responses.
At the beginning of this class God enrolled me in, He sent me out to buy Sticky Faith. I needed to break ineffective communication patterns (see Going Through the Gate or Fence Jumping). You’d think that would be enough – but God and I, we were just warming up. Sometimes, while taking God’s faith classes on “Standing” or “Walking,” “Refreshing” and “Shalom” to name a few, bad habits grow like weeds in other areas – like Communication.
Gift of Exhortation and Encourager love language – that’s me. I learned long ago that gifts are like double-edged swords – gifts and love languages can be used to build up or tear down. I am careful with my gift – careful not to tear down – careful constructive criticism builds up.
One son’s gift speaks blunt and direct, another son’s speaks solution, one is all of them, the teacher is instructive. One communicates through serving; one son communicates through compassion.
The one gift that stymied me, froze me in my communication tracks was the compassion gift. The compassion gifted person or child makes decisions on how they feel. The compassion gift comprises the largest area of the population – so when Bill Clinton said, “I feel your pain” – he won them over.
Logical argument shuts them down. Too many words, even encouraging words suffocate.
To my dismay, I mistook one son to be a server when he was a compassion gift. The communication specialist in me was like Pasteur’s nay-sayers. I didn’t want to be wrong – and I didn’t know how to shepherd a compassion-gifted child. How do you persuade a feeling person to make healthy choices when logic isn’t their language?
What do you do when you discover that your gift overwhelms your compassion child?
Then, one day, the blinders came off – and I saw. . . . how I had missed it.
The compassion gift is an emotional gift. They are risk takers without considering the risk, only seeing the need. The other gifts are intentional about entering the muddy pit to help lift someone out. The risk taker throws himself in, a first-responder, without considering the risks – the preparation, the solution, the after.
Really – the risk taker goes into the mess, literally empathizes, feels their pain, goes alongside them – and leaves it to the other gifts to implement the solution, the rescue, the after.
The compassion gift, the risk taker – stays with them – like a firefighter down in a collapsed well with a child – while the other gifts figures out how to extract her healthy and whole. Not only knowing your gift-job and other’s gift-jobs liberates one to do what they do best. It reduces judgementalism and increases admiration – and understanding.
My son – he probably felt talked to death by me. Too many words, too many logical presentations are like shingles to the skin with this gift.
I’ve been praying, asking – trying to find out how to communicate with a child, a family member or neighbor with this gift.
How can you encourage without words? How can you persuade without words? Shepherd without a voice?
How? My heart broke that I’d let him down. One of my greatest strengths is my not-give-up-ness – I kept searching.
Then I came across Brandee’s “Love Wins” post at her blog Smooth Stones in November. She wrote:
“I can hardly stand for someone to tell me what to do. I love a good story. I’m fascinated by facts and passionate about scripture. If the spirit’s right, I don’t mind a hint or suggestion. Sometimes (again, if the spirit’s right), I can tolerate unsolicited advice.
But I’m very sensitive to approach. The minute someone tells me what I must do or must think, I shut down. I despise feeling patronized, judged, or labeled. I can get stuck for a long time over a feeling and have been known to argue with people in my mind for years” (Love Wins, Brandee).
I thought, “This is how my son feels.” This was the compassion gift talking to me.
After I read that, I messaged her, asking “How do you persuade a compassion gift person to do anything” – what is the best way to encourage them. . . .I want to know how to be the parent he needs.”
Who better knows the answer to this question that a compassion gifted person who has learned how to use that gift?
We ended up talking on the phone. If I had a sister, I think we’d talk on the phone like that. She talked about her communication needs, answering my questions. In our brainstorming and heart-sharing – the answered came upon me – and it changed my life.
How do you persuade a compassion-gifted person?
. . . without words. . .
oh, my. . .
by coming along side, even in the midst of their challenge
loving them
encouraging
because experience talks to them more eloquently than words.
Listening
Loving
Being there
Sitting or walking right where they are, intentionally connecting, listening, waiting with them; Showing them unconditional, non-judgemental love speaks volumes , not like shingles on skin, but like soothing soul touches.
Will you join me here Wednesday. Brandee’s guest posting here, talking to you and me about communicating with the Compassion Gifted. I’ve never had a guest writer before – and I am so excited!
Below are other posts about Spiritual Gifts:
Mother Words:
Junkyard Treasures:
The Freshness After the Storm –
Perceiver of Truth
A Boy Called Faithful
Love this
Thanks Cocolaelle for coming by! Brandee followed up with tips on how to communicate with a compassion gifted person. Hope you can come by and see what she has to say! It changed my life!
Maryleigh
Your very welcome . I would love if you could check out some of my blogs and comment what you think . It would greatly be appreciated
Thank you, Maryleigh, for the opportunity to share in your space. You wrote out the back stories beautifully!
Oh this is good. Looking forward to Wednesday’s post. Always learning as parents.
Thanks for coming by Melanie! Much to my surprise, parenting doesn’t stop when they graduate. My mission statement is show these boys how to grow old loving the Lord – My husband has promised me at least 50 more years – so I guess I have about 50 more years of learning how to be a parent of a 30 year old, a 40 year old – etc.
mmm … I wish I had been so astute when raising my girls, keying into their communication styles, love languages, personalities, giftedness. I guess way back then I was just trying to survive as a mama!
;-}
Maybe because I was a boys-only household – I needed a code, like gifts and love languages – to know how to raise these boys to men because they are so different from me. My gift is also exhortation – so I needed to know what to exhort about! I think God knew I needed to understand in order to survive! LOL Thanks for coming by Linda!
This was an insightful post and I totally agree with seeking to understand our children. Our daughter, (35_ married with three children is our one who loves deep, hangs on to yesterday, fears tomorrow so has a hard time enjoying the todays God’s gives her. Our son, (33) forget yesterday, never thinks to much about tomorrow and enjoy his todays wholeheartedly. Not sure what their spiritual gift is but your post sure makes me want to know. Both are loyal to a fault in some areas, both care deeply about people and both love us dearly and considers us their best friend so they share a lot with us. I am with Linda when they were young I was in that survival mode also…it takes so much energy to just raise them in a practical sense. Great post.
Betty – I think my survival mode – for me- was information gathering. I am so solution oriented – and I had so many various age groups (5 sons who are now 27-13) – who were going through so many stages – that I needed to figure out what was a stage and what was them. I laugh that if I didn’t know my oldest son’s love language and spiritual gift, I wouldn’t know he loved me. It sounds like you did a wonderful job with your children – caring, loving and loyal – I want to grow mine up like that, too! Thanks for coming by and sharing your heart in this discussion!
“…real-time in the daily doesn’t allow you to delete, rewrite the words or re-do tone.”
Oh, but I wish it did. Sigh.
You’re such a good mother to be a student of your children’s giftings and love languages. The comment about this that you left on my blog today was very encouraging to me. I’ve not heard of Don and Katie Fortune but it sounds like they are doing wonderful work.
Understanding the gifts has allowed me peace with the differences in their responses.However, I will say it has made a huge difference in how I view people in my community. Remember how people in high school used to say “Oh, she’s a snob. She doesn’t talk to anyone” – I bet she wasn’t – I bet it was just her gift – because gifts are quieter, more wordless. And you know that person who serves and serves and serves and becomes frustrated because nobody is working as hard as she is? It has allowed me to better understand the responses of people around me – and I am less defensive, more confident, and more forgiving. Thanks for coming by Lisa!
How sweet to understand your kids gifting.
Fondly,
Glenda
I don’t think it was so much sweet as survival – all these boys and their differences – as the only girl in the house it allowed me to better understand their actions and responses. Thanks for stopping by Glenda!
This was so good. I think I’m a compassion-gifted person, because the approach that you talked about sounded *just right* for me. I applaud your wonderful mother’s heart, and the kind and gracious efforts you are making to *meet* each of your children right where they’re at.
I’ve never considered myself a risk taker – but in the way you described it, something really touched me deep inside. So, thank you for also speaking to my heart tonight.
GOD BLESS!
(And, just speaking from my perspective, quality time and words of affirmation are really important, too – these are what soothe my soul – and I think they just might be special for your son, too).
Thank you for this. Such a good point that we should keep those love languages in mind. I tell my husband all the time that–if he would just take me in his arms when I’m raging–it would go a long way toward diffusing my anger (or disappointment/fear/hurt, which looks EXACTLY like anger). It would be a hard thing to do, I know, but it would help.
If you are a compassion gift then not only are you a risk-taker but you are a first-responder too! Thank you for coming by and adding your heart to the discussion!
I would love to grow into a mother like yourself, a woman who takes time the time to really understand the giftings of their children, to see how their gears line up and turn. And it’s new to me, this idea that the gifting of one might stifle the gifting of another, if they aren’t mindful of each other. Thank you for these thoughts, I’ll be turning them over in my head and heart for a while!
My boys would say, “No you don’t want to grow into a mom” like theirs! LOL I think that when a person discovers the other gifts – and how they work – that instead of being stifled they allow each other room to bloom – and you are so right – it is important to be mindful. Understanding the giftings and how they communicate reduce offense and insecurities by differences. I like and love my children better because instead of being put off that they don’t do things my way – I make room for the beauty of theirs. Thanks for coming by, Kitty. I am going to turn over in my mind how they can be more mindful of each others gifts in the brotherhood!
LOVE this! As a mother to My Three Sons growing up, I wish I had understood their gifts, but alas, I was like so many others…I loved them fiercely, knew they were all different and had many talents and gifts but just didn’t seem to have time to sort it all out 🙂
Now that they are grown and out of the house I can see these things that I have learned about the spiritual gifts, love languages, etc. and can name each one of theirs. I have one just as you described today too…you did it so beautifully. Blessings!
I don’t know how I came across the series by the Fortunes – but when it came to learning how to discipline, educate and love my boys – I was reading it – all before the internet. I don’t know how I had time when all 5 were home and little – but I think I was much better organized and must have had more energy – ’cause I’m more unorgnaized with 3 (one going to college and 2 firmly in the nest now) than I thought possible! I love hearing stories of compassion kids who have grown into their gift. If you tell one – I want to read it!
Hi Maryleigh! It was fun to learn your background, and your degrees. I wonder if the journalist in you spurred you on. You did such diligent research to find out what personality types your sons were. What good and fruitful work it was!
We are not perfect people, and how could it be surprising that you would not see the gift of one of your sons at first? (One out of five ain’t bad in my book.) And when you saw that, you dove in again. What relentless love you have, and relentless need for the truth. Powerful gifts from God.
Best of blessings in your communication class. I think all your readers will benefit too!
Ceil
Thank you, Ceil, for the encouraging words – and insight. LOL – I always tell my boys when I’m mining for information that I’m not being nosey or gossipy – I’m being an information gatherer. I hadn’t made the journalist connection to that:) Sometimes we need people outside of ourselves to point out the obvious! So glad you came by!!
Oh Maryleigh, that does sound scary! I don’t know my 8 year old daughter’s gift is … but perhaps I need to read the book you suggested.
Thank God for bringing Brandee into your life!
How Beth – it was more frustrating than scary. Why did one approach work for one and not another? To be honest, the thought of having a compassion gift did scare me – because how do you explain life? Choices? Then when I realized I had a compassion gift living right under my nose and I hadn’t realized it – I was stunned – but then I wonder if God had a different schedule for the reveal – for both of us! Understand the gifts, their differences – and the potential of those gifts has allowed me to love my husband and my sons much better and with more confidence! Thanks for coming by, Beth! When you find out your daughter’s gift – let me know. I love gift talk!
[…] « When Talking Suffocates: Communicating with a Compassion Spiritual Gift […]
Oh boy, this was good stuff. Here’s the thing, I struggled like you…I write fluently, but often, because I think my brain moves faster than my mouth…sometimes the words are intentionally planted in fallow ground. I prayed about it, and have learned the discipline of listening and waiting. I’m getting better…and the fewer words I say have more impact, because they don’t get lost in all the noise I make. I am a work in progress. This….”experience talks … more eloquently than words” is a keeper. I am grateful to have come alongside you at Holley’s weekly link-up. I’m coming back to be fed again,
Peace and good to you in Jesus’ name,
Chelle
Trusting to wait – that is hard. I am learning that, too! We are both works-in-progress – not wanting the love we have to share to get lost in the noise we make! I like that line you gave me ” fewer workds have more impact because they don’t get lost in the noise I make” – there is a post in that! Thanks for coming by and joining in the discussion!
Wow. My children are teenagers now, and my walk with God started late for me. I wish I knew this when my teenagers were younger, way younger. I think I may have a compassion gifted teen. Thank you for sharing.
When God is involved, Beatriz – it’s never too late:) God doesn’t want us to spend our energies beating ourselves up – He wants us spending our energy loving His children! Thanks for coming by!
Now, that’s a tweetable … quote, if I ever read one.
“Experience speaks more eloquently than words.”
Sonya – if only I tweeted! I haven’t mustered up the courage to jumpin that communication stream yet! Thanks for stopping by and the kind words!
[…] In the process of becoming a field specialist – I had 5 sons – with 5 different love languages and 5 different spiritual gifts. […]
I love what you shared today. So nice to learn more about you. Thank you for helping to make the Thursday Favorite Things Blog hop so much fun. Big Hugs ♥
[…] When Talking Suffocates: Communicating with a Compassion Spiritual Gift . . . and so I write […]
I find my foot in my mouth way too often. I’m trying to cut down on that by taking a breath before I say anything instead of letting whatever spill out of my mouth. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t!