Shell at Things I Can’t Say said the sweetest thing on JDaniel4sMom’s blog, “I wish I could hear her calm words in those moments when my boys are driving me totally bonkers” (Shell, JDaniel4sMom Comments).
Even The Empress said, “From my first visit to her blog, I loved her tranquility” (Empress, JDaniel4sMom Comments). Other bloggers have made similar comments – and, well, I feel like such a hypocrite! Ladies, – it is all a sham.
The oldest 3 boys would laugh hysterically if they heard someone say, “Your mom is so calm.”
There is nothing more annoying than having one of your children tell you, “Calm down, Mom” – especially when I do not feel calmed up.
I just could not let you go on thinking that I live in the Beulah Land of Calm.
If you are like me – you can handle the first stressor great – it is the consecutive ones piling up behind the first one that light the match launching internal chaos that starts seeping outward, threatening a gusher (Yes – there are mixed metaphors there – but chaos even mixes up metaphors).
Going into someone else’s chaos is always more calming than hanging out in your own. Take my laundry room, for example. It stresses me out. Like God’s grace, it is never-ending – (but God’s grace does not stink). If I came over to your house, well, your laundry room would not stress me out at all.
I am going to go out on a limb here – and I am going to assume. Yes, I realize that is a dangerous thing, but I am going to assume that all of us have things that wig (I just love that word) us out. I would also bet that incidents that threw you with your first born hardly phase you by your 3rd born because you now have more appropriate expectations – not because you have given up – but because you are wiser now.
This 2 year journey I have just returned from – well, there were harrowing challenges, hurts, emotional up-heaval, soul-shaking moments. One son does not want to go by the rules, another does not want to do school work, one no longer thinks we have it together. Some days it is like living in a battle-zone, and I am the target.
I have discovered the ability to roar like a lion, growl dangerously like a grizzly bear whose cubs are being threatened, and hiss like an irate cat – thankfully, no flecks of white foam at the corners of my mouth yet. Women who can handle some of these challenges with calm grace – you are my heroes.
My husband is always reminding me, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Being reminded in the midst of chaos to take the good road, in the midst of chaos, when you are hanging on by the tips of your soul, well, for me, sometimes that just creates more chaos – because people on the outside do not see how hard you are trying on the inside.
I try to wrap myself with the shield of faith – and through the prism of that faith – I remind myself of how God sees my sons, how God sees me – I hold on tight that I really do have angels protecting me – that God knows my heart –
“faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1)
What I see in a moment of teen rejection, rebellion or disrespect – is not the story. It is just a moment in the journey. The story does not end there.
And, when I succumb to the chaos, and my temper flies? It is an opportunity to show my sons how to repent and to understand that God knows we will miss it – He created us human, fallible.
“But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love” (Nehemiah 9:17)
My sons need to know that at the time when their eyes are opened to their sin – and they see it for what it is – they need to know that God is a loving God who forgives.
“Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed” (James 5:16)
If I were perfect, could I teach them about repentence? No – this is not an excuse for sin. It is coming face-to-face with who we are – a fallen people made perfect through Christ Jesus, a stumbling people given grace.
We teach our children to read, to write, to pray, to dance, to give, to love. Maybe in addition to showing our children a great love of a Mighty Father – we need to show them how to repent also.
When you come by – and you feel calmness, a little peace – do not be deceived. Maybe it is the sweet aroma of faith rising from the pile of chaos – because chaos is plentiful. Maybe it is because someone else’s dirty laundry is less stressful than your own.
lolololol! Thank goodness for faith and grace and mercy! I remember last fall when my stepson had again dismissed a repeated request again, and while I was not roaring, or growling yet, I was hissing as I spoke to him – and he told me I needed to chill out. While I seethed inside I took a walk. But then I refused to go back in the house until the disprespect had been addressed. At the time, in the chaos, it was ugly. Some time between the living it and telling the tale, seems to ease the anger and the hurt, replaced by the joy of surviving and the joy of not having issued bodily harm to another, is much greater. As well as living the faith of another day survived in the chaos.
Smiles!
Ohhhh, lailani – you need to post this! Your comment is so eloquent with the struggle!
I think I forget to be calm and just react. When I do I roar and JDanile doesn’t seem to respond to roars. He does better with a calm voice.
I just commented something alone these lines at Mommywantsthis.
The delusion/illusion of other people’s lives.
We’re all a mess, sometimes.
xo
These words are so profound. I think as humans we look at others as not having things under control be cause we may not. However, we’re all human & are flawed & thank God for His grace.
I love you! People think we are a peaceful family but there is plenty of choas as well! It is a matter of perservering! And I loved your comment on my wall that you don’t have to go anywhere to experience God’s blessings, you just have to open your eyes and look.
A bloggy friend once reminded me that, the beauty of our online selves is that we can edit, delete, and revise before publishing ourselves to the world. So thankful for God’s grace that fills up where I was lacking on my mama grizzly kinds of days, and for the blessing of being able to look my children in the eye and say, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”
Beulah land and wig out in the same post. Beautiful.
Any other blogger would probably say thank you very much, yes, I am the epitome of calm, it’s exactly as it looks in my header (which by the way, is gorgeous) – but you, you come out and say no actually, it’s all really a hot mess here people. I love your honesty. And your point of view. Thank you, for sharing.
Honesty. So refreshing… Where most would nod and accept the compliments and run with them, you want to be real, authentic before Jesus. So I say thank you to you. Thank you for being authentic!
Ah yes. The Grrrr Years. There were so many times I wanted to peench his leetle head off. I often wondered, “Who is this and what did he do with my son?” We got through it. Now our relationship is healthy and great fun. And I can send him home for his wife to deal with (ho). Our r-ship is much better now but yeah, grrrring abounded but not as much as His grace abounded much more!
Even though you aren’t super-human, your writing is super anointed. That is why everyone feels peace here. It is your way with words my Sister. God’s touch is upon your blog.
I don’t have a son YET, but I can only imagine there are some big differences between raising a boy versus raising a daughter. :o)
Bless you today!
Beth
I loved your post. I have apologized before to my 4 year old – and he is sweet and tells me not to do it again. And then I feel worse, LOL. Luckily, I’m mostly good at keeping myself in check. Running helps – if I didn’t run 5 days a week I’d be a wreck! 😉
Oh yes, I have growled like a grizzly bear before….I really need to learn to take a step back sometimes and think before I open my mouth!
Even when you write about chaos, you do it with humor and grace and yes…. calmness 🙂 Lovely post!
Great post! I can so relate! I get wigged out on a daily basis. And, I almost got buried in my laundry the other day. I’d never thought about it, but it is much easier to look at other people’s chaos. Even comforting–then I am not so alone. 🙂
I feel the same way most of the time. Not about calm but about getting a lot of stuff done and making it look easy. My truth is, I tend to go with the things that will give the greatest result/pleasure with the least amount of effort. In college I’d spend more time calculating the lowest possible score I’d need on a test to still earn an A in the class than actually studying. Now with my kids, I focus on the quality of our relationships over the quantity of junk we can cram into the day. If it ain’t broke…
Very nice post. I especially like the part about not being hard on yourself when you mess up because it is an opportunity for you kids to learn about repentance.
This gave me such comfort and hope that someone will some day call me calm. 😉
So, you’re human, right? Be calm when you can and be patient (with yourself and others) when you can’t!
Visiting from SITS.
I went home and saw how stressed my mum was over my brother’s recent decisions and it was probably the first time I saw her stressed over any of us. Even as we get older, parents will base our decisions on their parenting and guidance and beat themselves up. You just can’t though. We are individuals and often, despite all the grounding, will make some bad decisions. Being human is not always cookie cutter clean, but we need to find ways to deal with it. You are great…and you are allowed to wig out, lady!
I so needed to read this today…..after counting to 25 for the 5th time in a matter of an hour it seemed……I try very hard not to let the things that bother me turn into a tornado of mommy wrath…that leaves destruction in its wake….though my toddler is one strong opponent at times, and I love that by not beating myself up when those blow the roof off moments happen…and saying mommy is sorry…..I’m not only doing my heart and soul good…but also doing good for them….
we need to show them how to repent also.
something I work on alot because I mess up alot!
What is that old hostess expression–may look calm on the surface but paddling like hell underneath? I don’t even look calm–i can’t hide my emotions!
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Oh yes I get the “you are always so calm” and the people calling me to ask me for advice and then I am “wigging” out at home! Parenting tweens/teens is so much harder than I could ever anticipate. It emotionally wipes me out and stretches me so thin every day.
But I will carry on and continue to raise my children to be “good” adults even when it really is hard.
That’s why blogging is a beautiful thing – we get to read other moms being honest about how it’s hard sometimes.
Visiting (late) from SITS. I love your blog name 😉