I held one child in my arms, year after year — he grew — and month after month, I grieved. 48 months, 48 “No’s.” Desolation snowballed into a downward spiral that drained me physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Secondary infertility was my diagnosis: the inability to conceive after the first child. Sarah, Rebekkah, Elizabeth, Rachael, Hannah, the barren woman — they became my soul sisters. I understood their cry — and I rejoiced in their answered prayers. I sat at their feet, looking for behavior solutions in their stories.
Sarah and Abraham encouraged accountability in their relationship — story after story of each enabling the other’s weakness drove that home. That the only time Isaac is shown taking his problems directly to God was when he asked God for Rebekkah to conceive shows the mighty power of a praying husband. Hannah unabashedly spilled her heart out in front of everyone, so passionate was she in emptying it for her God. Elizabeth, having grown reconciled to her barrenness, showed us how to rejoice in God’s surprises. Rachael cried out for a child to make her look good. Leah wanted to win her husband’s love by giving him sons — and found God’s mighty, fulfilling love. And, the barren woman’s house was filled, probably because she opened herself up to love more others than she could ever possibly conceive.
I mined these stories for clues to solve my problem. Because God had not given me what I asked for, I assumed it was a conditional behavior issue. God was waiting for me to behave a certain way before He would grant my request. I was like the mouse trying to find the magic button that releases the cheese — and none of the buttons I pushed released my cheese.
To compound that, I was an obsessive thinker, constantly searching for solutions. Obsessive thinking starts on the outside — can I work harder, eat healthier, study more, be skinnier, find a new theory, a new treatment — all the solutions are outside based. Outside solution failure turns the obsessive thinker inside — maybe I am not good enough, do not pray enough, believe enough, or am not important enough to God.
But God does not work like that. God does not love conditionally. I am not the mouse to his cheese. God wants a heart connection. Those bible stories? Meaningless without a God relationship. I knew what I thought I wanted, but without relationship with my Father, I could not know what He wanted for me. I had to take my mind off the plot and seek to know the author.
“Commit your way to the Lord, and trust in him, and he will do it.” (Psalm 25: 5, New Advent Bible)
A Christian friend, who was more intimate with God at that time, during a particular moment of emotional crisis advised me, “Ask Him to take the desire away if having another child is not His will.” I had to take everything off the table, so to speak — my dream, my desire.
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)
And, I did — I asked my Father to take the desire away — if this dream was not His dream for my life. Like Abraham’s willingness to give up Isaac, I needed to be more committed to His plan for my life, than my plan, my desire, my dream. Though at that time I did not realize how much He loved me, who I really was to Him, I gave Him my heart’s desire.
And He gave it back — abundantly.
There have been big dreams and little dreams in my life — that I have asked God to help me fulfill. Sometimes my plan is not His plan — and I let go. Sometimes, His plan unfolds in His time, not my time — so there is a lot of waiting. Sometimes, I just need more experience so that I have what it takes to handle what I have asked for.
“The angel of the LORD called to Abraham from heaven a second time 16 and said, “I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you.”(Genesis 22:15-17)
When a big dream bursts into a heart’s desire, instead of dashing off to grasp it — I whisper to my Father, “If it’s not what you want, please take away the desire to do it.”
And, He does.
I was imagining about your description of that mouse wanting the cheese…and liking it with our desires or prayers that are not answered…So vivid…How true! I also love that pic you posted! That’s the thing…We don’t see the whole picture…He does!
A lot of times, we fall back to our own efforts in fulfilling our plans instead of committing them with Him first. We all know as believers, without Him, we are nothing. There we are, pressing on those buttons to get the cheese when behind us, He already offered a big chunk without the need to press any button…
Your post is truly encouraging and a wonderful reminder of what was already done for us. God bless you sister.
Oh, I have been where you are! For 10 years we ached and prayed for a child. Outside solutions were what I thought we needed.
Over time I learned to wait. Our scripture we clung to was Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I asked Him many times to take away my desire but He never did.
Now we have 3 daughters!
Great post. What an amazing story!
Wow! What wise advice! ๐
What a great testimony! If only we could always seek His plans & purposes in our lives…we would find out just how much He loves us and wants to bless us. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with us.
Blessings,
~Erin
smiles…that was a great friend…who was also very wise…and how humbling to pray that prayer as well…and he was faithful and gave back abundnatly…that is awesome….
This was just what I needed to hear. I have a WIP, and I so desire to work on it, but life keeps getting in the way. But the WIP keeps pushing, prodding, insisting to be done. I will ask God to take this desire away and see what happens. Thank you for this bit of wisdom.
That prayer “take away my desire if it is not your will” certainly can be applied to everything in life. A job, an item we think we must have, a ministry, a dream, a hope. God knows the beginning from the end. Excellent thought here!
Thanks for sharing.
I need to pray this. I would love to have more children – I love being a mommy – but my body has babies prematurely, so I can have no more biologically (unless God intervenes). Thank you for reminding me to pray differently. To take away any wrong desires, to open the right doors for how He wants our family to look in His time.
To take the desire away …
Profound.
‘ll be thinking about this one. For a good long while, I will. Thank you, friend, for the way you mentor and minister with your words here.
Hey Gal! I wanted to let you know to come by my blog. I named your blog as one of my choices for the Versatile Blogger Award.
God bless,
PJ
…a difficult but oh so valuable word of wisdom here. It touched my heart.
So many times I’ve had to pray that prayer.
I appreciate your encouraging comment today. Thank you for visiting!
so, so hard to let go… xo
Beautiful testimony. thank you for sharing!
Encouraging and beautiful testimony on how God has worked in your life ๐ Thank you for sharing some more of your story at my blog in your comments…so wonderful!
Love this post. In the past I have been guilty of thinking God would answer my prayers if I acted in a certain way or did a certain thing, when all I needed to do is pray that simple prayer.
Blessings,
Joan
nicely written and learned… funny how we panic trying to figure it out… I too had my eyes on having a daughter after birthing 3 boys… didn’t happen… grief is a funny thing… I now have the most wonderful relationship with my grand-daughter… only had to wait about 30 years… praising God
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. It is so nice to meet you. You have a beautiful family.
Blessings,
Amy
I miscarried in between my two children, a break in the mama heart. You can ask God “why?” all day, but in the end you have to have the faith that He truly does know best.
I have learned this with so many issues through the years and I will still be relearning this over and over for years to come. Peace with God’s timing can be so very hard, yet it ALWAYS turns out beautiful.
Have a GREAT weekend.
hey Maryleigh,
i love how you lay out the women in the bible and their hearts for God. beautiful. very encouraging to my spirit–thank you for that.
i had two miscarriages–one in between each time i conceived the first three babies. it was devastating and the grieving was horrendous. but God has blessed me so much with my family.
thanks for visiting my blog and for your words–such wise words that are like a healing balm to me! i left you replies there when you come back to read!
blessings
xoxo,
Nacole
I totally understand! I struggled with infertility for years. I was in pain with endometriosis but I so wanted to have a family. I was never able to conceive. However, God is so good. He knew the desire of my heart and enabled me to work with little children every day now. It’s a long story how it all came about but I can say that God answers prayer in His way and in His timing. And I’ve learned to simply trust Him.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony.
Your story sounds painfully familiar, though my infertility reared its ugly head from the get-go. I, too, mined those stories for clues about what I was doing wrong; what I needed to change or correct. My story ended differently; I became a mama through the beauty of adoption.
One of the things I realized was that the answer wasn’t in what these dear sisters did. It was always the miracle of what God did–the impossible babies born so that the story of redemption would continue to move forward to the most ridiculously impossible birth ever. And that baby’s birth began dismantling the curse that hangs heavy over every woman whose womb remains empty and whose heart is broken.
Thanks for sharing your story.