Raising Boys to Men has moments of glory and moments of unabashed obscurity.
For some reason, God put the mama (and Dad) in charge of filling these boys with humbleness, loyalty, honesty, courage, a hard-work ethic, resourcefulness and caring-ness – and independence without sassing, breaking the rules, or not telling us where they are going. Like any big job, there are stages – and as a mom, each of these stages has particular job requirements, benefits, and challenges.
The newest stages to each of us individually usually require an adjustment period. It has been the same with the last stage with my oldest son who recently married. However, an insightful post from the blogahood has helped me with that adjustment. Let me start from the beginning, so you can get a feel for the last great challenge in the relationships with our sons. As Mamas of these boys to men, our relationships go through various stages, but one things stays the same – prayer.
Survival Mom – Face it, for the first 3.5 years of their life, our sons cannot survive without us. We feed them, change them, potty train, teach them how to walk, to talk – all the basic fundamentals. Our reward? Great big slurpy kisses, hugs, and unconditional adoration. Survival mommy rules the world and prays that God show her how to rule his little world. Prayers for healing, strength, insight, patience, solutions, and, oh, that God places a hedge of protection around his future and that this future wife have a heart for us – all while our future DILs are still in diapers!
Rock Star Mom – ages 3.5 to 7 – They love us, adore us, and want to marry us. Life without mom? Unimaginable. We create art projects, find books to inspire, set play dates to develop friendships, and teach them to swim, swing a bat, throw a football, play an instrument, sing songs, and to love Jesus. Full-time, instructor-mommies training our little guys for the next step of independence though they so desperately do not want to leave us. Separated from mom? Appalling! Huge Tears! Wailing! They want their mama! And their mama prays for guidance, for their life, for their struggles, for healing, for solutions, that they succeed in school, make good friends, embrace honesty, for good character (in each of us), and, yep, for their future wife.
Fading Star Mom – 7 to 12 – That mom-son love is still there, but it comes and goes, like watching a star on cloudy night. The pull to independence starts, realization that mom is not perfect – and maybe a little uncool – leads to testing, questioning, and developing their own tastes, likes, and dislikes. They go into school without looking back, or trying not to look back. However, they still love mom-son time. They love it when you make hot chocolate on a snowy sledding day! They’ll still snuggle, cuddle up while you read a roaring good book, and tell you absolutely everything that happened at school. However, they really love hanging out with Dad now. It’s an equal-love world developing in the house. They want to pick their own books to read, which movies to see, and don’t wake you up in the middle of the night to climb in bed with you. And we pray – for Godly friends who help lift them up when they fall down, for wisedom, discernment in how to handle the bully in the bathroom, honest, self-discipline for spelling words, insight, favor with God, solutions for challenges, and, yes, for their wife.
Underground Foundation Mom – 13 to 19 – Stealth support – that is how I define it. The quest for independence steps up, but tricycle-style independence becomes the mainstay. We finance it, we attend it, we transport it, support it – Sports, music, extra-curricular activities – here they come. My husband and I have sold pork butts, stood with athletic teams outside Wal-Mart to raise money for the entire team, pancake breakfasts, sat through music practices, lessons, and recitals. We let them drive our cars (I need therapy after this), learn how to cook, choose friends, develop a social calendar, when and how to say, “NO,” all the while reminding them to find God throughout the day.
We drove them home from soccer games where they seethed anger at their performance (whether they won or lost). We helped them pick their tux out for prom. We helped cook beautiful dinners for two proms where we along with other parents served the attendees and then sat down to eat after they left. I stayed up all night on Project Graduation working so my son had a great night, a safe night. We reigned in poor choices, encouraged good choices – and prayed – for safety, wisdom, laborers to come across their paths to bring them closer to God, insight into God’s calling on their lives – and for their future wives.
Occasional Mom – 19 to 22 – At least, that is how it seems on the outside with the Independence-with-Training wheels stage. Off to college, off to find their future and take it. Success or failure, it is all up to them, but at least they have a soft place to fall – home – and a mom and dad who are there to lift up, encourage, and pray – for good choices, insight into their future, a good work ethic, Godly friends who help lift them up when they fall – and, yes, their future wives.
Confused Mom – Post-College – All independent, out in the world (but hopefully not of the world), seeking and finding their wife, building a life of their own, as it should be. The book, I’ll love you forever, “I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living, you’re mommy I’ll be” – is so true – however, I do not think my daughter-in-law would appreciate me climbing in through her window every night, rocking my son,and singing that line to him. I think it would freak her out. It is a book that has so much potential, but really misses it there in an “Everybody-Loves-Raymond-kind-of-way.” There’s more to this mothering-job than climbing in his window at night when your son is all grown up.
There are times I felt like Galadriel from The Lord of the Rings when she says, “I have passed the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.”
So what was my Role? What was my mommy-job in this phase? Mommy-ness doesn’t just stop because they get married.
Then, last week, I read Lidj’s post “Alabaster Jar,” from Crown of Glory where she wrote:
“As a mother, I am called to be the “family remembrancer,”
the one who remembers,
the one who points out the signposts.
I am also the gatekeeper,
the watchman who stands guard,
the priest who intercedes,
and who holds the cup of God’s healing oil.
May I be found faithful”(Crown of Beauty, 35-37))
I am no longer Confused Mom. My role is two-fold. Foremost, it is about prayer. It was all along – Intercessory prayer, vigilant prayer, healing prayer. Secondly, my role is to witness – to remember, to tell the stories of how God moved in our family, protected us, healed us, gave us life, sustenance, of God’s faithfulness to His promises – and still does! As Lidj prayed, “May I be found faithful.” My role for the son who has grown up and moved out? Prayer Mom who tells stories – I can do that! I will so have this stage down by the time by youngest one gets married! Thanks Lidj!
Dear Mary Leigh,
You do have that amazing ability to think life out in stages. Even your titles are so apt… I think I went through most of the stages, too, except the last one. God was good to prepare me for this important role when my children no longer need a “physical” mom… but indeed, the important role of being the “family remembrancer.” I don’t even remember where I got that term, it must have been from one of my readings, and somehow it stuck. I loved it so much I never forgot it.
Yes, we eventually reach that stage in life when our role as a mother is badly needed. It is wonderful if our children (and their spouses) appreciate that important and extremely valuable role we play. But even if isn’t, it doesn’t really change anything, does it? Because, what is needed is that “someone” who will hand down the values, tell and rell the stories, to be the pillar, to be that someone who will always be there in the ebb and flow, and in the changing of the seasons.
I must someday share how we used the Jewish Prayer Shawl for the veil and cord ceremony at my son’s wedding. It was so special.
I’m so glad I was able to help clarify some things for you. But it is also true: I find my growing friendship with you to be such a beautiful and meaningful one.
Love
Lidj
I’m in the first two stages right now- with my two little ones, in survival mode. With my oldest, I’m a rock star- he sings the song from Sid the Science Kid to me “I love my mom, my mom is cool!”
I’m sad about some of the other stages, but like your words at the end!
Nicely described stages! But I love the way that you changed the “confused mom stage” to being a “prayer mom”. I feel that we are that way since the beginning of this life that came out of our wombs. Our children needs our prayer covering until they are flying on their own. What better way for them to fly than with God’s air lifting them up!
I had read sister Lidj’s post too and that was an awesome post [what’s not? :)]…
Blessings to you sister. And thank you for reminding me as my teenage child goes back to school tomorrow, it’s time to get more bruises on my knees and more callouses on my hands! I enjoy your posts, too because it was a reflection from your loving mom’s heart. God bless all the MOMS!
For what it’s worth, I see these stages applying to girls too 🙂 And really, I see the other side of them (the kid side) and they fit very nicely. Great descriptions and great insight! I sometimes think marriage is as much for the benefit of the parents as for the benefit of those being married.
This was just an awesome post. I found myself saying “yep, yep, yep” all the way through it. Although, my son is still yet 16 and I have a few stages to go through before he leaves the nest for good. I have been so encouraged by the things that you wrote about there today. Prayer Mom! That is who we are at every stage of their lives. I read Lidj’s post on the Alabaster Jar too. I love her insight and wisdom. I have truly enjoyed your post here today too. Just knowing everything is going as it should makes me feel better. 🙂
I’m currently Fading Star mom as all my boys fall within that age range 😦 sniff, sniff
God trusted you with five boys because he knew you could do it. Feel special and chosen! :o)
This is such a sweet post. I’m sending it to my MIL.
And a belated thank you for my award! It was so kind of you to think of me!
So true. I have to agree. Awesome post!
Oh! I don’t like being so close to the Fading Star Mom stage.
When I got married, my parents told me that they would not offer unsolicitated advice but that they would be praying for us and that they would advise or help if we asked. They’ve been true to their word and it is so appreciated!
This is so true and so wonderfully written. I have 3 sons and I have come to know the joy have having sons in various stages of life. Awesome Post!
Wonderful. Truly helpful for me because I am at the beginning with my boys. Thank you.
Beautiful post! I really enjoy reading your blog, because you are one who has gone before me. I’m in the Underground Foundation stage, although my boys are very much home-bodies. I know that I need to pray much more for them than I currently do. That’s one of my biggest downfalls.
Thank you for sharing this!
Blessings,
Dianne
This was so beautiful and touching. I’m so glad you shared this. My oldest son just turned 5 a few days ago. I am everything to him and I know it wont last. And some how that’s a good thing. But I still want these young years to last forever. I too must embrace the rolls ahead and seek the joy out of each of them.
I love the way you visualize and describe the relationships. Makes me want to marry you again.
I love this! You’ve managed to put into words what I feel in my heart. Thank you for sharing!
I love that idea that the mom is the “remembrancer” who tells the family stories. I certainly see myself that way, and I hope I can live up to the job description.
What an awesome post!! I’m a mom of 4 boys and I can see each of these stages in them. Thanks for sharing! Stopping by from SITS!
I wanted to go on and on about how lovely your blog was, and how your “stages” made me laugh and agree with you (I myself am going through Underground Foundation and Occasional…). However, when I read your husbands’ comment, my heart melted. It was truly the sweetest thing I’ve heard in quite a while! 🙂
I love your post. It really highlights the lows and highs of being a mom. Your words just flow so beautifully.
You are such an amazing writer. You always seem to hit the nail exactly on the head. While my children are not all grown up, it shows me the road ahead and I am thinking I need to see that road because hopefully I will be just a little more prepared for my role!
Great post!
…stopping by from SITS…
Steph @ A Grande Life
What a fabulous post! I’m currently still a Rock Star Mom! Woohoo!
Stopping in from SITS.
I love your husband’s comments. Thanks. I have a 17 year old and an almost 10 year old son. The 17 was really rough. I always loved him but I had many years where I didn’t like him too much. We are finally at the stage where we are enjoying one another.
My 10 year old? Much easier, but then he’s more like me in personality and he’s not striving for independence. In fact, I have to push him towards it.
My daughter? I guess going back to your last point, since before she was born, I’ve prayed that she would be the intercessor and rememberer for her brothers when I leave this world (hopefully not anytime soon).
I thought the article was well thought and well written. I never really thought too much about that mother before. I am sure she loved both of her sons so much and was surprised at how different they were. I like the magazine of which you are a part. Very nice.
Oh I am so sad to even think about the later stages… well… I guess most of the stages. Mine has been a daddy’s boy lately and has been hurting mommy’s feelings with not wanting me or wanting to love me. I can only imagine how hard it is as they get older! Makes me cry! 😦
What a beautiful post. Funny, while still being completely respectful to the amazing role of motherhood. Thanks, it is so nice to read real and positive mommy blogs!
This was great. And so true in so many ways. Even though I’m only at the Rock Star and Fading Mom Stage!!!
Blessings,
Kim
[…] Rock star mom fades. Snuggle time disappears. The quality of hugs even changes. They hug someone else. Snuggle with someone else. See stars in their eyes over someone else – The Girl. (Hint, make sure your daughter-in-law knows you are joking when you say you want to be the mother just like in Love You Forever – who will take her ladder, climb it, crawl through the window, just so you can rock your son when he’s all grown up, saying, “I will love you for always. I will love you forever.” – it’s a great book for children who cannot imagine life without mom, but it a book that has the potential to freak out your daughter-in-law – LOL). Nanny's Iris and The Apple Tree that must be climbed by every child […]
[…] Rock Star Mom has morphed into Not Mom of the Year Award material. That day when you no longer control every bite that goes into their mouth, identify the point of origination for every word that enters their vocabulary, have every friend’s mama on your cell phone, lead those nightly prayers – that day when you give them independence with training wheels – well, that’s when two wills often collide. Those are the years no awards are given. Those are walk-of-faith years, knee-dropping years of prayer, hoping moments, unconditional love moments, moments where imperfection on both sides is the name of the game. Definitely Not Mom of the Year times. […]
We are right in the middle of the fading star stage right now and I would be lying if I told you it was wonderful….
WHAT HAPPENED to be being adored? That was my favorite : )
Oh please let me just have more time. And everytime I want things to go faster, I secretly hope that they don’t.
It’s funny. I always wanted daughters. But I am so glad that God knew better and gave me all boys! They are my favorite people.
Beautiful capture of how a mommy’s role changes with her boys. But doesn’t it stay the same too? Being to him what he needs you to be to take on that stage.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! Have a great weekend! Gena
[…] am the the family remembrancer though I misplace my keys, my glasses and my schedule . . . . a literalist looking at life through […]
[…] Treating Boys as Knights in Training When the Knight Pledges His Life to His Lord Raising boys as Knights in Training Six Mom-Stages of Raising Boys to Men […]