E-Mom at Marriage Monday has invited me into this MIL fray. It’s a Monday, if you’re feely scrappy for a good fight – you won’t find one here. But maybe you’ll find some encouragement to make your week a little sweeter. Stop by her place for an elephant-in-the-room discussion of the MIL.
Miss Manners suggests that one veer away from such highly charged subjects as sex, religion and politics. The blogahood definitely has no fear of addressing either in seriousness or humor those said subjects. However, there is one subject rarely mentioned, that carries an elephant-in-the-room-esque quality – everybody recognizes it but nobody mentions it – The Mother-in-Law.
I have a gripe about The Mother-in-Law – from the view of the mother of 5 sons, and, now officially The Mother in Law to a delightful daughter-in-law whom loves my son to distraction, I have some street credibility, some skin in the game – Oops! I’ve been around my boys just way too much.
A few months ago, a mother of sons was rolling her eyes about her mother-in-law who was coming to visit. And, maybe I should not have, but I just could not help myself. I pointed out that she had sons – about 3 of them. And, well, hhhhmmmm, did she want her sons to grow up and marry daughter-in-laws who talk about her like that?
Her eyes got big like saucers and she paused, answering, “I had not thought of that.”
The MILOS (Mother-in-law-of-Sons) starts at a disadvantage – she is the one everyone tells to shut up and wear grey at the wedding. In what other job or social event does someone say, “You are not valuable or important enough to be noticed.” The mother some mothers love cursing with the following line: “A daughter is a daughter all her life but a son is a son until he takes a wife.” Yes – I will hang up on you if you call and tell me that. If you write it in a comment, I will delete it. That is speaking a curse over any mother’s life. It’s akin to kicking puppies who only want to love you.
Historically, the son did not disengage himself from his family. This attitude is really a post- WWII attitude. From biblical time to WWII, the daughter left her husband’s family and was grafted into his family, leaving hers behind. Even when widowed, the first legal step was to remarry into the husband’s family. Returning home was the last choice.
Why anyone would gleefully tell another mother, “Hey, mom, you’ve poured your life blood into this person but you are on the outside of the family circle now – you are not even part of the family – only under duress” – well, that just boggles my love-your-neighbor-as-yourself little Christian woman mind.
Rock star mom fades. Snuggle time disappears. The quality of hugs even changes. They hug someone else. Snuggle with someone else. See stars in their eyes over someone else – The Girl. (Hint, make sure your daughter-in-law knows you are joking when you say you want to be the mother just like in Love You Forever – who will take her ladder, climb it, crawl through the window, just so you can rock your son when he’s all grown up, saying, “I will love you for always. I will love you forever.” – it’s a great book for children who cannot imagine life without mom, but it a book that has the potential to freak out your daughter-in-law – LOL).
A heart is big enough to love completely as many people as one desires to love. That is one of the lessons I have learned as a daughter-in-law. I will admit that when I married my magnificent husband, that I wanted to hang out with my family, celebrate with my family and let my son spend more time with my family.
I was young, growing inside me things like true confidence in myself, unconditional love, generosity of spirit, self-less-ness, wifely things, and, when my first son was born, motherly things. Luckily for me, we lived in my in-law’s home town. Because of that, I had to spend more time with the “in-laws“. Just because they were the closer family. Not necessarily because I wanted to, though I liked his parents.
And, I was so blessed because of it. It takes time and effort to build relationships. Time and effort on both sides. Effort is a reach. reaCH. REACH action by BOTH sides. Relationship cannot be built without BOTH sides reaching toward friendship, chosing love. The MIL/DIL relationship is one of those Unconditional Love Relationships where both sides choose love.
My mother-in-law and I are like night and day. One thing we have in common is we have a heart for people. How we go about having a heart for people is different. She has shaken her head in exasperation over me, I’m sure. Like the time I called and asked, “How many legs are on a tick?” One, I really wanted to know because, lucky me, I found one. And, second, because I wanted to connect – and it was a conversation opener.
According to the Don and Katie Fortune’s book on developing spiritual gifts, my mother-in-law’s spiritual gift is compassion. Mine is the gift of exhortation. And, according to the book, the compassion person avoids the exhortation person like a person allergic to poison ivy. And, poor thing, she got me for a daughter-in-law.
However, when my 4th son was born via a crash c-section, resulting in a very healthy baby boy and days of excruciating pain for me – there is one memory that remains indelibly seared on my heart that epitomizes the beauty of my mother-in-law.
The last thing I had heard before they knocked me out was, “I don’t have a heartbeat.” They were talking about my son. When I cam to, the pain was overwhelming. Crash C-Sections hurt. My husband was concerned because I hadn’t asked to hold our son. I was still laying on my side, barely conscious. I wanted to hold my little miracle when my mind cleared – but, I was also a mom with a mission. My other little guys were going to Day Camp the next day for archery, swimming, shooting, canoeing. I did not have lunch stuff – delivery was unexpectedly early. My mother-in-law rested her hand against my cheek, just rubbing my cheek gently, like my 4th son loves for me to do.
She didn’t have to say anything; she just comforted me without words, unconditionally loving me. And, she listened to her nutty daughter-in-law rattle off a list of things needed for lunch at camp, what they needed to take, but, most of all, she just loved me in her quiet way. But it was like she understood the pain I was battling and it was so hard to talk.
We both have made effort, in our own different ways. We might not go shopping together, but she’s going to help me make my first quilt. I am so excited she is going to teach me to quilt. She has made my sons amazing quilts, quilts made with love they wrap about themselves. A child can never have too many people love them in any love language with any Spiritual Gift. Diversity equals embracing and seeing the beauty in differences – even embracing those MIL and DIL differences.
We might look at how to celebrate birthday’s differently, but we celebrate together. She is a Christmas decor minimalist; I create traditional Dickens extravaganza decor. She plants her tomatoes one way, me another.
She’s a cornbread dressing-kind of cook, and I’m Italian Herbs and Spices-dressing-kind-of-cook. She’s a go-with-the-flow kind of lady while I am into time-management. However, we both love flowers. And we both love her son.
Love requires sharing – and we share. It also requires not looking for offenses, not inviting the little foxes in to chew the legs off that family table. It also requires a forgiving heart – because, well, people are just people, communication is not perfect.
However, I think we both invite each other into the family circle. We each have a welcoming seat at the family table. We accept and because we accept we belong and in that belonging love grows.
Being a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law is all about embracing the differences. Loving despite the differences. But, most importantly, it is about choosing to love, forging a relationship one conversation at a time. Keep in mind, one day you will be one!
By the way, a tick has 8 legs!
(If you have time, please stop by and read “Prayer for My Son’s Wife.”)
Whenever I hear my sister talk badly of her MIL, I just winch…it so sad that she is not taking the time to connect with her and come to love her.
Thanks for your post…my MIL was a wonderful woman, but as the saying goes, “The good ones die first” or whatever…she was an awesome lady.
Now I will strive to be as good of a MIL as she was.
I think your blog is where I read to treat all your sons girlfriends nicely b/c you don’t know which will be your DIL. I think about that and want to be the best MIL I can.
Thank you Maryleigh for the kind words.I know I am not always patient with you and I don’t always answer your questions ,or give you the advice you seek,but I do love you. I know right now I am not a very loveable person,but I thank you for loving my son so much,because you see all my children are so precious to me,and now they and the grandchildren and great grandchildren and their spouses are all that I have to hang on too. So thank you for loving me when I know I am an old grizzly bear. By the way sorry about the refridgerator door. Love you the mother-in law.
What an amazing tribute to your mother in law.
You were able to do it so beautifully again, Maryleigh.
I am hugging you right now in my mind. (I do wish you were near, especially on days that I read a very special post, like now!)
I loved the pictures, and I loved the words… but I love this most of all:
“Being a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law is all about embracing the differences. Loving despite the differences. But, most importantly, it is about choosing to love, forging a relationship one conversation at a time. Keep in mind, one day you will be one! ”
I love it because I am a mother in law now… and I was a daughter in law (but my mother in law is in heaven now…)
Thank you for this special post!
Love
Lidj
🙂 That made me cry – even though I like my own in-laws very much!
When Froglet was in hospital for three weeks right after his birth my in-laws came straight over from the UK to ferry me to and from the hospital every day (September baby in intensive care so they had no room for an extra mum and I didn’t have a drivers licence yet – and could barely walk after the birth!) and stayed in a hotel for all the time so as to allow me to rest when I wasn’t at the hospital. That’s the sort of kindness and love you can never forget.
(One of my top gifts is supposed to be compassion – should I be avoiding you? ;-))
I absolutely loved this post. I have 3 boys and my biggest worry is that I will be “the mother-in-law” and not have the same relationship with my children that I would have if I had had girls. Girls really do tend to gravitate towards their own mother and I feel like I will definitely be the kind of mom who will want to stay close to her boys and grandkids when they are grown. Your post gives me hope that that kind of relationship is indeed possible.
I left you an award over on my blog. Stop by and pick it up when you get a chance!
This was beautiful…
In the early days, I did kind of see my MIL as the enemy… but the older you get, the wiser you are and you realize that in family, there is plenty of love to go around. We still have our days when she will say or do something that I feel steps in on my territory, but then I remember she is someone’s mommy and that someone happens to be my hubby. One day, I too will have to let go and I know it will be so very hard.
HAppy Mother’s Day!
My MIL and I don’t always see eye-to-eye, but we both agree on one thing: her son is the best.
You did a great job, Mary Leigh, in handling a touchy subject.
Sweet dreams.
That was really beautiful. Having and a not so great in-law experience the first time around, not having any this time around because they have passed, was….nice.
I know that everything you say is true, unfortunately, it is a two way street and one person can’t do it alone.
I love quilting and love that your mother-in-law is going to teach you! That is truly priceless. Have fun and eat lots of doughnuts (they make everything better…LOL)
What a lovely post. It does remind me of all the good qualities my inlaws have and I definitely want to be able to connect with my future daughter and sons-in-laws in a meaningful way. While we don’t always see eye to eye, it’s definitely better now that we’re not all living under one roof. While they can have their opinions, they express them, they go home and hubs and I can have a good laugh or rant and get over it and remember all the good things.
It’s nice that you are taking the time to learn from her, I bet that makes her feel loved and appreciated more than anything.
Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day!
Oh how I have always wanted to be a grea MIL and think I have accomplised that..I consider my DIL and SIL as 2 more kids….I always think its so sad then there are huge rifts in marriages over MIL’s
Love your blog…
I have a WONERFUL MIL!! I hope that I can be half as gracious and accepting as she has been to me. I want that for them and my sons!! 🙂
What a wonderful piece. And your MIL even respnded. You must have a pretty good relationship.
I have to say mine with my MIL was pretty good and then it just went haywire cuz I wouldn’t answer the phone everytime she called when we were homeschooling and she started cricizing me for that and things just went down hill from there.
I just couldn’t get the point across that we were teachers in a classroom with two students and we couldn’t chat on the phone everyday for 20 – 30 minutes in the middle of math and then lunch prep. I couldn’t do it anymore.
After that I was irritated with so many things. I’ve got to try & mend things up so we feel more comfortable about being together. God help me to forgive and mend.
Thanks Maryleigh, for opening my eyes about this. Now to open my heart…
Nannette
I’ve not given any real thought for how I’ve modeled BEING an in-law for my children. I can’t go back and un-do the damage I’ve done, but I can certainly change how I talk and act from now on!
So glad to hear the many ways you’ve learned to love and accept your MIL. Sounds like your husband picked you because you are both strong, loving women–no matter how different the person preferences might be! Thanks for sharing so transparently!
Hello Maryleigh
So nice to meet you.. I’m visiting from Marriage Monday. I have never, ever thought about it from the mil’s perspective… I only have daughters so, thankfully I wont have to face that., but I thank you for opening my eyes to this other side of things. In the beginning my mil seemed to be disapproving of every decision we made (including my choice to stay at home) and there were many things that hurt me. I sort of withdrew and maintained a respectful relationship until things started changing. I was lucky that my husband and I put up a united front and I know that neither of us ever criticized the other to her. Today 21 years later she is very supportive of us and she actually has told me several times how good I’ve been for her son and how much she admires the way we’ve raised our children… its like a complete 360!
Thanks again for showing me the ‘other side’ of the story.
God bless!
Such a lovely post.
Aw, such a well-written funny, heartfelt piece! Being a mother of all sons can’t be easy. Yes, it’s very difficult to let go of both sons and daughters. (However, becoming a grammy is starting to compensate just a little!)
You’ve brought out a very important point, and that is that we are all gifted so differently (e.g. compassion/mercy vs. exhorter). Within an immediate family, there’s naturally a lot of overlap, due to genetics. But when you enlarge that gene pool through marriage, suddenly there’s new blood, and new temperaments to live with. Sounds like you and your MIL at least have found peace in your differences. That you both share a heart for people is golden!
I’m so grateful to have studied that material in “Discover Your God-Given Gifts” series by the Fortunes. It’s actually a bit of an private obsession of mine to try to identify a person’s primary and secondary gifts–no doubt a function of my “administrator” gift. My relationships go so much more smoothly these days, because I understand much better what motivates people. I try to speak different “love languages” in all my relationships.
For example, I admit, I am not much of a phone person. But with my both MIL (and my daughter too) rather than emailing or texting, I will spend time chatting by phone for their sake. (My DH is an audiophile too.) I guess that’s why they need visual folk like me in their lives!
You will always be loved for your winsome ways with people. Even if there’s less reaching back from the other side, you will stretch over the line to make every relationship peaceful–at the very least. Your heart may long and wish others were more relational like you… but that’s YOUR beautiful gift to give.
Thanks for joining us for Marriage Monday today.
Many Blessings, e-Mom
I have just read NiceA’s post and you might find it interesting. She’s in Thailand, and in the Asian culture, young couples often live with their inlaws. She describes the many problems that can ensue. In the course of her post, she aptly points out this verse:
“For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh… (Genesis 2:24-25)”
I note that it’s the *young man* that’s expected to “leave and cleave.” Here he is called to severe the old ties with his parents so he can establish himself as the head of a new household. Depending on how he earns his livelihood, presumably, that meant leaving the family homestead and striking out on his own–as a shepherd, hunter, whatever. I’m reminded of Jacob, who left his home to go work for his future FIL, Laban.
I have always thought of our current cultural practice as reflective of this Genesis verse. For instance, it has always seemed “fair” to me that a young wife takes on her husband’s family *name* but the young husband takes on his wife’s family *culture.* (You mentioned that in America, this is a post-WWII phenomena.)
You’ve really got me thinking, because in NT Jewish culture just the reverse was true. Young Jewish brides were “snatched” from their family home after a year of engagement, and taken to live in the groom’s father’s house. Jesus’ words “in my father’s house are many dwelling places” refers to this cultural practice. The metaphor for the church being “betrothed” during the Last Supper, now in period of waiting between Jesus’ first and second coming, and “snatched up” at the Rapture also use this Jewish wedding imagery. To cap it all off, the Bride of Christ is promised a lavish wedding feast thrown by the groom’s Father in his home in Heaven.
Perhaps it was the Jews’ settled agricultural life in the land of Israel that created this NT culural phenomenon. Maybe it’s economics that drives these cultural norms.
So which way is correct for Christians? Should the husband “leave and cleave” as in the OT, or should the wife “leave and cleave” as in the NT? What do you think?
Sorry, I’ve written a whole blog post at Blue Cotton Memory today!
Hugs ‘n blessings, e-Mom
Rebekah came to live with Isaac’s family. Jacob living with Laban only because he burned a lot of bridges but when he finally got his act together, he returned to his father’s land and repented to Esau, Naomi and Ruth and the other DILS had tough decisions to make after their husband’s died – because who they were was so legally tied to their husbands. Even Esther was brought into the palace, away from her family. Both Ruth, Naomi and Esther are beautiful examples of bring the culture of their heart and beliefs into the new families they entered – beautiful things that changed and effected history.
BTW – my husband attended a wedding in China this past summer where the wedding took place in his home and they would live there with his family. He drove to pick her up and when she got out of the car, she changed shoes, symbolizing the change in her life.
I love what you included here – what a great history lesson!!! This might make an awesome bible study!
“Being a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law is all about embracing the differences. Loving despite the differences. But, most importantly, it is about choosing to love, forging a relationship one conversation at a time.”
Very succinctly put! I, too, enjoy a good relationships with my mother-in-law. She has added greatly to our lives.
You are right… the OT has more examples of wives leaving home to marry. I’m sure God set it up this way due to the economic realities of providing and childrearing.
Upon reflection, I assume it’s the influence of the liberal feminist movement that has created our cultural norm, ie. where a young man is absorbed into the wife’s family. Among the educated, our culture is certainly more matriarchal than patriarchal. (Women are getting more college degrees, and we are currently living through a “He-cession.”)
Yet, the Genesis verse still stands… “a man must leave and cleave.” At bottom, every young married man must receive his greatest sense of approval from his wife–rather than his Mom and Dad.
BTW, our (only) son was in a freak car accident last winter. We got the hospital phone call you never want to get. By the grace of God, he was sent home in just a few hours, with no injuries whatsover.
I grieved for about a week afterward, know how close we had come to losing him. I also realized how much I depended on our son to “be there” in my old age. Statistically (mid-fifties) I could be widowed at any time. It was a loud wake up call to keep my marriage strong, take care of our health, and let go of our son.
Since then, our son has changed jobs and moved to another state. He is openly searching for a wife. When he does marry, I hope I never become a needy MIL, especially if I’m widowed.
At our daughter’s wedding 3 years ago, I too felt like you…, the “old gray mare” put out to pasture! However, now that we’ve moved to sunny AZ, I have come to embrace and even love our empty nest. Where at first the loss was unbearable, now I can’t imagine having young people in the house! We’re dreaming up a whole new future as a two-some.
What about you? Are you happily empty-nesting?
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I loved your post! All of your daughter in-laws will be blessed to have you in their lives. Understanding goes such a long way. Not looking for offenses is a great point.
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